


Couch

by Celina12388



Category: South Park
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-04
Updated: 2018-04-10
Packaged: 2019-04-18 12:07:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,658
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14212806
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Celina12388/pseuds/Celina12388
Summary: A punch to the stomach stopped him from finishing the sentence. [...] Using the element of surprise to his advantage, he followed quickly after, restrained the writhing Jew’s hands, and pressed his larger body against the boy’s slender torso; Kyle was trapped. [...] Most likely, he was already scheming away, thinking how to start World War Three, as the two blondes on the carpet in front of them were watching obliviously. [...]  In this state, there was only one place they could go.A movie night with the guys goes wrong.(Comment anything you don't like; helps me know how to do better.)





	1. Movies

**Author's Note:**

> All criticism appreciated- the harsher the better. Please comment anything you didn't like, any ideas for another fanfiction/pairings you'd like to see, and most importantly, should I add a chapter 2?

“God fucking damnit Cartman, you jerk! I was here first.”

“My house, my rules- now move your no-good Jew ass off of my couch!”

They bickered on like this for what seemed like ages, before Kenny finally decided to give in –for everybody’s sake- and slid down onto the floor next to Butters.  Kyle nodded his head in gratitude, whilst Cartman only sighed, situating himself on the couch. But before anyone could appreciate the fact that the two of them stopped  squabbling, Stan stood up, hastily grabbing his coat. With only a quick shout of “Wendy texted me that she might give me another chance!” he dashed out of the Cartman residence, hastily rubbing off any traces of black eyeliner. Kyle sighed. Whenever Wendy broke up with Stan, he would go into full Goth mode, asking Kyle to bitch about her too, but when they got back together, negate anything bad Kyle had to say about their unhealthy relationship.

Cartman noticed, turning to face the Jew to rip on him-only momentarily distracted by his features.  Kyle’s emerald green eyes glinted with anger . Fiery curls framed his pale face, a tinge of red starting to appear on his annoyingly feminine cheekbones.  Slim white fingers clenched into a fist, aimed at Cartman himself.

“Don’t you fucking dare comment, fatass.” Kyle warned.

Cartman only smirked before opening his mouth.

“ Welcome back guys, my name is CartmanBrah, and today we’re reacting to the hippie dumping his totally faggy boyfriend for a feminist bitch.  As we can see, Kyle is heartbroken, he won’t have anyone to get the sand out of his vagi-“

A punch to the stomach stopped him from finishing the sentence. Kyle lunged at Cartman, pushing him onto his back. Cartman winced at the pain, as more energetic punches landed on his body. Struggling, Cartman threw the livid boy onto the carpet below. Using the element of surprise to his advantage, he followed quickly after, restrained the writhing Jew’s hands, and pressed his larger body against the boy’s slender torso; Kyle was trapped.

“I do not have a vagina!” he exclaimed, defeated.  Cartman’s cognac coloured eyes bore into the other’s  emerald, and Kyle could swear he was getting more and more tipsy with every passing second of looking into them. _What the fuck was happening to him?_ The lips above twisted into a mischievous, sinfully sweet grin. Absentmindedly, Kyle opened his own mouth, panting from the sudden heat of another body. He could feel warmth pooling inside of him, and damn, his jeans were getting somewhat tight.  Without thinking, Cartman leaned closer, whispering,

“What’s that burning?” Kyle bit his lip in anticipation; for a cheesy punch-line, for a sweet remark, for a lewd statement.

“I think it’s your ancestors. Tell them to get back in the oven.”

What he was not expecting, was a fucking holocaust joke.  His knee connected with Cartman’s body faster than he could comprehend, as the other let go of his wrists, yelling in agony. Like a flash, Kyle was upright, yanking the other boy by the hair.

“Ow, Kahl, fuck, stop! I’m sorry.”

Bewildered, Kyle hitched the other upright. The infamous anti-Semitic ,Eric Theodore Cartman, apologising for a Jew joke? Now, this, Kyle couldn’t believe. The other regained his composure, looking  solemnly at Kyle.

“I admit, that was low.” _Just like the Jewish population in the 1940's_ he wanted to add, but Kyle's threatening glare convinced him otherwise.He took a deep breath before continuing. “ I’m sorry if I offended **_Jew_** with my comment.”

At this, Kyle couldn’t help but burst out laughing. Butters and Kenny appeared in the doorway between the kitchen and living room, large bowls of popcorn in their hands, both confused. Kyle didn’t even realise they were gone whilst fighting with his sworn enemy, but no doubt that they heard the yelling. Cartman snatched one bowl out of Butters’ grasp, and sat back down on the couch. Kyle followed. The blondes looked at each other quizzically, sitting down on the carpet.

“Guys, what movie are we watching?” Kenny asked.

“Terrance and Phillip, asses of fire?” Cartman suggested tentatively.

“That movie’s totally gay, dude.” Kyle retorted, but before Cartman could interject, Butters chimed in;

“Aww, Kyle don’t be horrible like that. It’s Eric’s favourite movie. Whenever we watch it he always holds my hand and cries.”

At this information, Kyle and Kenny both started snickering, as Cartman gripped the edges of the popcorn bowl tighter. Watching him react like that, Kyle's snicker turned into holding his stomach, convulsing and crying with laughter.

“Really? What’s his favourite moment?” Kenny enquired, voice muffled from laughter.

Butters, mistaking his teasing for a genuine question, responded,

“It’s probably when-“

“Butters, I swear to God, I fucking hate that movie.” Cartman interrupted.

“But Eric, that’s not what you said last time.” Butters chirped. “There’s nothing to be embarrassed about.”

“Shut up Butters!” he exclaimed, exasperated.

Kyle, finally able to breathe again after roaring with laughter for half a minute straight, wiped his tears, “ Well, now that we know that, we’re definitely watching it.”

"I hate you guys." Cartman finished simply.

The boys settled comfortably in their respective places, the opening of Terrance and Phillip Asses of Fire playing. Automatically, Cartman leaned forward in his seat, mouthing along with the opening lines. Oh fuck. That was going to make for some pretty good blackmail, he thought to himself, reaching for some popcorn in the bowl Cartman held in his lap. Unfortunately for him, Cartman seemed to have mind-reading abilities. A firm hand gripped his forearm, silently pulling him closer. Kyle stayed quiet. Cartman leaned down, hissing furtively in his ear,

” Whatever happens from now, stays between us. Don’t you even think about using it against me, Jew boy. Or I’ll get worse revenge on you than I did to Tennorman. Understand?”

Terror sparked down Kyle’s spine. The fatass wasn’t joking. Most likely, he was already scheming away, thinking how to start World War Three, as the two blondes on the carpet in front of them were watching obliviously.

***

It turned out Butters wasn’t lying. As the movie neared its end, he saw Cartman desperately trying to blink away tears. Butters and Kenny were gone halfway through the movie, Butters needing to get back home before he got grounded, and Kenny offering to escort him, as with no snacks left, the poor boy saw no reason to hang out with them. Hesitantly, Kyle placed his hand on top of Cartman’s. Immediately, their  fingers entwined, as the bigger boy pulled Kyle into his lap, clutching him like a teddy bear. He turned to face the other; to realise that the only reason Cartman did it was because he was preoccupied with the movie- not caring who he was holding. Kyle calmed himself down , though a part of him couldn’t help feeling disappointed that he wasn’t doing it on purpose. Gradually, he leaned back, nestling his back against Cartman’s tout stomach and broad shoulders. This was so gay, but then again, so was he. However, he’d never admit that out loud, especially to the evil fatass clinging onto him. That same fatass who attempted genocide on the regular, was now weeping about a cat that ‘died’ in the movie.

Maybe that’s why Kyle liked him. Forget that, Kyle hated him. Cartman tried to exterminate the Jews, for fuck’s sake. But he also kept cats hidden and safe during the cheesing epidemic- he had some emotions hidden deep within.  He fed Scott’s  parents to him, over like, $20! The guy was insane. Insane enough to save him AND his family from a smug storm (Butters told him a couple days later- under the promise that he wouldn’t say anything.) He always did everything possible to humiliate Kyle in the worst ways; declaring his undying ‘love’ in a full basketball stadium. Yes. Kyle fucking despised him. Definitely. 

Kyle escaped from the other’s iron grip, the latter shocked, finally comprehending that it wasn’t Butters he was holding. Cartman’s face turned crimson with embarrassment. It only worsened. Kyle turned, pushing his back into the sofa, as he placed his snowy arms around his neck. Cartman gasped at the ministrations; Kyle was straddling him. _What the actual fuck was going on_. Twinkling emerald eyes were peering at him curiously, and delectable chocolate brown ones were staring back in amazement.  Apart from the rolling credits music in the background, the house was silent. Tense.

“Kiss me.”

“You're one fucked up ginger bitch.” Was the response Kyle got before being pulled into a searing kiss.

 Cartman gripped the Jew’s hips, lips on Kyle’s plush ones. It wasn’t chaste, quite the contrary, it was passionate, fierce and intense- laced with all the pent-up hate both of them held for each other. Forcefully, he slid his tongue in Kyle’s mouth. Tasting him was something Cartman never thought he’d get the pleasure to do. His tongue explored the heavenly cavern , relishing every moment, savouring the unique flavour of Kyle himself. All whilst Kyle gently massaged Cartman’s tongue with his own, slim fingers tugging his oak-coloured locks with frustration.  Any rational thought in their minds was gone, both attacking each other voraciously, insatiable lust filling the room. Fuck, Kyle tasted delectable- and he wanted to taste more.

“Kahl!” Cartman drawled, “You dirty little girl!”

A wanton moan escaped his mouth as Kyle latched himself onto his neck, biting and sucking. He thrust his hips upward, both of them hissing in pleasure. Kyle breathed into his ear, licking just beneath the lobe.  A single thought occupied their brains; Cartman shifted his thick hands from Kyle’s hips to hold his jean-clad ass. He stood up, carrying Kyle, who’s tongue was caressing all the stray tears on his neck. In this state, there was only one place they could go.


	2. Not fucked, but Fucked up.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh fuck, he was going to hell along with Cartman, but that was okay, as long as he could feel those lips around his length for an eternity. [...] The inferno inside of him kept amplifying, he wanted nothing more than to curl up and sob Cartman’s name repeatedly. [...] “Get your stupid, motherfucking Jew ass out of mah house Kahl!” [...] Flashing a charming grin, Butters’ head disappeared under the blankets. [...] The look. [...] It was lifeless.

Kyle Broflovski, the uptight, moral Jew, was at this moment, locking the bedroom door of the infamous neo-Nazi Eric T. Cartman; as said Nazi was caressing his torso. An _eternity_ later, the Jew seemed to have actually managed to turn the lock and turned swiftly to Cartman- resuming their heated make-out.

With one deft movement, Cartman deposited Kyle onto the bed, whilst sinking to his knees at the foot of it- not breaking their ravenous kiss.

“I never thought I’d see you on your knees in front of me, fatass.” Kyle growled, spreading his legs out expectantly. Oh. Cartman was going to make him pay for that attitude- in a way some might’ve considered crueller than using crack head babies for profit. He stayed silent, keeping eye contact with his egotistical Jew, slowly inched off his jeans and underwear.

It was no surprise that Kyle was already hard. Expertly, Cartman hollowed his cheeks, taking in as much of Kyle as he could. A satisfied groan echoed throughout the room, and Cartman skilfully began swirling his tongue, pulling back to suck on the tip.

“Ah, fuck yes! Cartman, you look so much better with my dick to stuffing your annoying mouth, you know?” Kyle moaned, bucking into Cartman’s mouth.

Oh fuck. That made his blood boil. Of course, he could’ve just bitten Kyle for his self-righteous attitude but where was the fun in that? He continued on, swallowing around the sizable length, hand firmly jerking the saliva coated base with a slightly harder grasp than before. He never kept his eyes off Kyle’s green glittering orbs, half lidded with lust. That, and the way Kyle was moaning his name could’ve made Cartman not follow through with his vengeful plan, but the degrading comments Kyle kept making pushed him over the edge.

“You fucking slut, dude- Ah, yes! The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, huh? Look at you, kneeling in front of me- fucking finally. This is the way things should always be.”

He hummed in response, further tantalizing Kyle’s erection. He pursed his swollen lips, adding additional pressure as he dipped his tender  tongue into the slit. Revenge was going to be oh so sweet.

Meanwhile, Kyle was in an almost comatose state. Eric Cartman, of all people was blowing him, and Kyle would be lying if it wasn’t by far the best experience of his life. The dude seemed to know his way around a dick, especially Kyle’s, and, oh fuck, he was going to hell along with Cartman, but that was okay, as long as he could feel those lips around his length for an eternity. Everything was perfect. Of course, he intended to slide in a single snide remark to piss him off,  because Cartman was still an asshole- no matter what. However, once he saw how Cartman’s brown eyes smouldered, and how he just slightly increased his speed, he couldn’t control himself, blurting out nastier shit by the second. He never took Cartman for one to enjoy being humiliated- the dude just didn’t have any sense of shame; in fourth grade, he took a picture of himself blowing Butters, and presented it to the entire fucking class. Then again, there were a lot of sides to Cartman.

No wonder he was this otherworldly, as well as being born talented at everything he put his mind to, he had plenty of experience- and both aspects pissed off Kyle more than he’d liked to admit.

“You’re so good. Too fucking good.” He whispered. He was getting so close, too soon.

All of a sudden, the heat around him dispersed, as a soft hand replaced it, stroking excruciatingly slowly, collecting dribbles of pre-come. Cartman purred up at him, warm breath brutally teasing his straining erection,

“ Do you want to know who taught me, Kyle?”

“Oh, fuck, yes.” Kyle responded immediately, on the verge of cumming from Eric’s luscious voice. He was going to burst any second now, it was inevitable. The inferno inside of him kept amplifying, he wanted nothing more than to curl up and sob Cartman’s name repeatedly.

“Are you sure?” He enquired, lips brushing chastely at the very tip of Kyle’s head.

“Yes, Cartman, you whore, yes.” He breathed, head tilted back, too distracted to notice Cartman’s malicious glower or that the hand on his dick disappeared. “ Tell me; make me cum.” Now. Now was the time to strike.

“It was me!” An all too familiar voice exclaimed. Kyle groaned, and he swore all his pre-come was sucked back inside of him. His overwhelming urge to cum dissipated, turning to an even bigger urge to beat the living shit out of Cartman. This was far beyond callous.

“ What the actual fuck?”

“ Hey chullo! Don’t you remember  me?” The ‘face’ turned to Cartman, “I don’t think Kyle likes my taco-flavoured kisses very much.”

“Oh, miss Lopez, I’m sure he disagrees, right, Kahl?” he snarled, turning his hand so that the face drawn on it faced Kyle.

“Get that thing away from me, you sadistic fuck!” Kyle exclaimed.

“Oi! I am Jennifer Lopez, not a sadistic fuck!” The face drawn on Cartman’s hand stated in a Mexican accent, as Kyle fought the impulse to break the other’s hand.

“Oh, but Kyle, just minutes ago, you were begging for more. What happened?” Cartman asked, feigning concern.

“Well, you tell me that.” Kyle snapped back venomously.

Cartman stood up. Teeth bared, fists clenched, and that same smouldering look from before.

“Oh, I don’t know Kahl. _I_ learned something today. You’re right, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree indeed.”

“And what the fuck is that supposed to mean, fatass?”

“ I think I understand why your mom’s such a bitch! How she can stand your  arrogant, piece-of-shit father is a fucking miracle!”

“ What the fuck are you on about? I don’t get it.”

“Get your stupid, motherfucking  Jew ass out of mah house Kahl!” Cartman ordered, “That’s what I’m on about.”

Furiously, Kyle zipped up his fly, standing up from the bed. With his middle finger up, he stormed out of Cartman’s room,  and out of the Cartman residence- knocking down the framed picture of Cartman and his mom on the way.

Eric sat down on his bed (actively avoiding the place Kyle had sat earlier) and sent Butters a message, already climbing out of his bedroom window. He didn’t want to see the couch, on which just a couple hours ago, he was the happiest in his seventeen years. It made him want to burn it, but the flames would only remind him more of the fiery Jew.

**< E.T.C> Butters! U there?**

**< L.B.S> Eric? It’s nearly midnight, shouldn’t you be asleep? Is everything okay?**

**< E.T.C> No.**

**< L.B.S>  Well, gee, do you want to tell me what happened?**

**< E.T.C> Come over.**

**< L.B.S> Oh hamburgers, Eric, I can’t, I’ll get grounded for sure!**

**< E.T.C> I’m coming to ur house. I’ll get u back there b4 sunrise.**

**< L.B.S> Oh Eric! Well, okay then, I’ll be waiting.**

**< E.T.C> Gr8.**

Butters nearly died of asphyxiation as Cartman recounted what happened after they left, squeezing him mercilessly as he sobbed quietly after. However, he daren’t complain, as Eric needed him more than ever. Gently, he stroked Eric’s brown locks and rubbed his back soothingly. This wasn’t fair. Eric always tried his best for Kyle, yet, once again, the redhead completely disregarded him. Kyle didn’t seem to understand how compassionate and caring Cartman could be. Kyle didn’t know him like Butters did. This thought pleased him, as well as the thought that he was lucky enough for Eric to trust him in a time of need. Quickly, he began planting innocent kisses on Eric’s tear stained face, in a futile attempt to stop more ‘waterworks’ as he called it. Personally, he was disgusted at the things Kyle had said to his friend. That was no way to talk to another person. He decided he had enough. If Kyle didn’t appreciate Eric, he sure as heck didn’t want to set them up together anymore. No more telling Kyle about the things Eric did for him. No more elaborate planning in order to get the pair to spend time alone together.  This was it. Kyle was not going to hurt Eric again.

“There there, Eric, it’s alright. You’re an amazing person, you know that?” he whispered in the other’s ear. “You’re talented, you’re handsome, you’re one smart cookie, you know what I’m sayin’?” They both snickered, cuddled together under Eric’s blankets.

“Eric, I’m not going to let Kyle treat you like that. I promise. You’re mine now.” He cooed softly.

“Butters?” Eric asked. “Two things.” 

“Sure!”

“Well, don’t go around telling people at school, okay? This is between you and me, because it is, totally fucking gay.”

“Of course!” Butters heart swelled.

“And secondly..well..” Cartman paused.

“Eric, you can tell me.”

“Well, ‘bout earlier,”

 Butters grimaced in a mildly frustrated fashion, waiting to hear Eric out before he commented.

“Kyle never really got rid of my problem, do you know what I am sayin’?” Eric imitated Butters’ pimp voice at the end, “Like, can you help out?”

Butters desperately tried hiding his blush. He didn’t realise how long he’d wanted Eric to say something like this until he did. Flashing a charming grin, Butters’ head disappeared under the blankets.

* * *

 

How complicated did Cartman have to be? It was seriously annoying the fuck out of Kyle. What the fuck did fatass want? Apart from CheesyPoofs, obviously. Kyle couldn’t help grinning to himself, as he kept walking towards Stan’s house. Hopefully, he and Wendy made up by now, and he could get back to talking with his super-best friend.

**< K.B>  Dude, u free? I kinda need 2 talk 2 you.**

**< K.B> DUDE!**

**< K.B> Stan! For Moses’ sake answer me! What are you doing?**

**< S.M> Dude, getting laid rn, ttyl bro!**

**< K.B> Well I’m not!**

**< S.M> Who u gon’ screw? Cartman XD? Srsly, gtg. ILY bro!**

Fan-fucking-tastic.  His super-best friend just ditched him for a girl who was going to dump his ass again once she started PMS’ing.  He decided to go to Kenny’s instead. As he walked to the less pleasant part of the neighbourhood, he noticed the stars in the sky. For some reason, it reminded him of that planetarium they visited on a school trip as kids. Man, that was a crazy adventure, Cartman actually got to be on TV and saved their asses from being hypnotised! Cartman.

Instead of knocking on the door, he texted Kenny, preferring if they went for a walk to Stark’s Pond; it was more secluded and included less of the erratic rednecks inside.  Maybe it was better that he was talking to Kenny instead of Stan, there was a higher chance he’d actually know what Cartman meant. He enjoyed himself too, didn’t he?

The walk to the pond was rather uneventful, with Kyle explaining and Kenny silently analysing. It was quite companionable really. Until Kenny decided to speak up.

“Firstly, fucking gross. Secondly, knowing Cartman, you’re lucky to have your dick in one piece; the stunt you pulled was fucking disastrous. Thirdly,-“

“I have no fucking idea what I did wrong! ”

“You do realize he’s fucking hurt? You don’t insult a person and their mother simultaneously while they’re going down on you.”

The pieces finally came together. Cartman’s cruel vengeance, the smouldering look in his eyes, the way he compared Kyle to his father. Finally, Kyle realised how stupidly he behaved. He had to make it right, somehow. Everything was not going to be okay.

“Oh. Kenny, thanks man! You’re the best!” He hugged the skinny blond before sprinting back to his house to grab a nice sweater. The action was sure to get a laugh out of Cartman, their roles reversed, for once, Kyle being in the wrong.

Before he knew it, Kyle was standing on Cartman’s doorstep in his nice sweater, feeling humiliated and utterly wretched. Courageously, he rapped on the door. As expected, there was no response. He knocked again. And again. Losing his temper, he started banging on the door, yelling,

“I know you’re there! Answer me!”

After a while, the door inched open, revealing a scowling Butters.

“Butters, where’s fata- I mean Cartman?” he enquired.

“Kyle, listen to me buddy, Eric is upstairs, but he doesn’t want anything to do with you. You should probably go home.” Butters answered, closing the door.

He skipped back upstairs, where Eric was sitting on his bed. He glanced up at Butters, and with a single glare in response, knew who was at the door. Instead of heeding the blondes’ advice, Kyle kept hammering his now bloody fist against the door. Eric sighed. Butters sat down next to him, stroking his arm reassuringly. All three of them knew that Kyle wouldn’t give up until he got what he wanted. And that meant talking to Cartman.

He stood up, signalling Butters to stay, and trudged downstairs, eyes cast down. Reluctantly, he yanked the door fully open, glowering at the sight before him. A breathless Jew was standing in front of him, panting. His face was a shade darker than his stupid hair, his green eyes sinking in desperation.

“Cartman. Finally. I-we. Need. To talk. Like. Right now.”

Raising one eyebrow, he stood there, not breaking eye contact with Kyle, who finally stopped gasping for air like a fish out of water.

“Hear me out. I was so incredibly, stupendously wrong, Cartman, I realise that now.” He explained.

“That’s not apologising, that’s just wearing an apologetic excuse for a sweater.” Cartman deadpanned.

“I was getting to that, fatass!” Kyle yelled. He stopped in his tracks, waiting for Cartman to respond, but he stood there, expressionless, staring blankly at Kyle.

“As I was saying, FATASS, I did something wrong, and I’m apologising to you.”  

Cartman didn’t even blink at the insult. Kyle lowered his head in shame- he seriously lost his temper at the person he was asking for forgiveness. How pathetic was that? Out of their own accord, his eyes glanced toward the photo of Cartman and his mother, that he threw on the floor. Cartman must’ve noticed, his own eyes lingering on the picture, before turning to Kyle. Those deep, cognac-coloured orbs shot him one final look, as he slammed the door in Kyle’s face, like Kyle did so many times to him before.

 The look. It wasn’t a glare, wasn’t a scowl, it was filled with neither hate nor lust. It was lifeless. As the conclusions began to dawn on him; he frantically began thinking on how to fix this. He didn’t think there was a way. Never in his life, did Cartman not respond to Kyle’s taunting, and the thought that he just ignored Kyle’s provocation was fucking petrifying.

Only then did Kyle Broflovski, the uptight, moral Jew understand just how severely he fucked up.


	3. Truth be told

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Funny, how even unaware, Cartman could fuck everyone over. [...] Butters. Where the hell was he? [...] With one final twist, he freed himself from Kenny’s grasp and darted down the hall. [...] What is my life without you? Worthless. [...] And then he was brought back down to reality. [...] Once he opened them and looked at Kyle, it would be game over. [...] A pain-stricken voice cried. [...] Instead of looking at Kyle, he pushed him away, running to the door and opening it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dedicated extra fluffy Bunny for estef42

“He didn’t even react! I know, right? Fucking unbelievable. What the fuck does he want me to do? Kenny.. Kenny, are you listening to me?”  Kyle demanded.

Kenny, was indeed, listening, however, his thoughts were elsewhere. Those thoughts were directed at the blonde sitting next to Cartman, only a couple tables away. They were having an enthusiastic discussion, and Kenny’s heart beat a little faster every time Butters  smiled. He was straight, or so he thought. Why would his heart soar every time the other said his name? Why did he want to see the naive boy curl up in his arms? Why, when every time they touched, did he almost lose self control? Because no matter how many girls he banged, no matter how straight he thought he was, he would always be hopelessly gay for Butters. It was an undisputable fact.

To be honest, Kenny didn’t like dealing with other people’s bullshit. Especially when it involved Cartman. However, when he saw Butters go over and sit next to him for a fortnight now, instead of sitting besides Kenny, like he usually did, he was ready to go up to their table and beat the living crap out of the fatass, then pull his crush into a tight embrace and never let him go. It wasn’t like he didn’t try to confess. Hell, he acted like Butters’ boyfriend every day- minus the kissing. But Butters was just too innocent to notice, and somehow that made Kenny love him even more- if that were possible.

Kenny was smarter than most people -despite skipping all the classes without Butters- but he stayed disingenuous. Intuitively, he knew that helping Kyle and Cartman would resolve most of his own problems. With Cartman back in his usual spot, Butters would be sitting next to him again. Then, there would be only one mystery to answer. Did Butters swing for the same team? He remembered Butters’ obsession with the photo-shopped women when they were younger. It seemed unlikely. Then again, the boy acted so gay sometimes, it was hard to tell. Kenny was of a hopeful mindset, even if his love was unrequited. But before he could think about that, he had to help his short-tempered redhead friend.

“Yeah, yeah I am.” Kenny replied.

“So what do you think I should do?” Kyle asked desperately, “He ignored me all day! Again.”

“I suggest you think about it. If he’s not paying attention to you, that means he’s focused on something else.” At that, Kenny couldn’t help but glance at Butters, who was currently fork-feeding the brunet, before continuing,” Of course it doesn’t help that you slandered his only parent, especially as you know that he loves his mother unconditionally, whore or not.”

“Yeah.” Kyle sighed. “Can I ask you something?”

“Go ahead, Kyle.” Kenny answered, intrigued.

“Why are you helping me?”

“Uhh.. Well, I don’t know. Do you not want my help?” He stammered, voice muffled by his parka.

“Sure I do, it’s just that you actively try avoiding conflicts unless Butters is involved. Care to explain?”

Oh, fuck you Kyle! He understood what Cartman always meant by calling him a nosy Jew. “ It’s just that I don’t think your fat fuck of a crush is a good influence for him, don’t ya think?” Kenny spat out.

At that moment, Cartman whispered something in the blond boy’s ear, in turn making all three of the boys red, for different reasons. Butters was blushing profusely, Kyle was fuming, and Kenny was a mix between the two. Funny, how even unaware, Cartman could fuck everyone over.

“Kyle, don’t go over there. Think this-“ Kenny couldn’t finish his sentence; Kyle was already storming out of the cafeteria, dragging Cartman along. Everyone went about their business as usual. It wasn’t like the sight of the infamous Nazi and Jew going out to fight was extraordinary.

Kyle was outraged. He wrenched an unresponsive Cartman to the bathroom and threw him against a wall, locking the door behind them. Two weeks of Cartman ignoring him was two too many. He never knew how much he needed the other’s insults , the other’s plotting and evil schemes- until it was too late. Frankly, it was sickening, how Kyle felt without Cartman looking at him. It wasn’t that he was jealous; it was just that Cartman had to have his full focus on him- at all times. Nothing more. He was lying to himself and he knew it; he enjoyed sparring with Cartman, craving both the taste of sweet victory and bitter defeat. Now was the time to man up and admit it.

Cartman slid down, sitting on the cold tiled floor. Butters warned him that something like that might happen. That the Jew would try to fill his head with lies, only to break him further. He could never love him like Butters did. Butters loved him. He could love everyone, as long as it wasn’t Kyle. The kike already showed him that it would only come back to bite him in the ass. He was loved. Not by his dirty slut of a mother; he had one person that loved him. Not Kyle. Butters. No matter what happened, he was there. Unlike Kyle. Butters. Where the hell was he?

Oh gee, Eric was in trouble. Hastily, Butters stood up, heading towards the exit. A voice called out to him, and due to his manners, he was forced to wait as Kenny caught up to him.

“Butters, I need you to help me,” Kenny claimed, walking in the opposite direction, tugging Butters. They reached a quiet corner in the empty hallway.

“Butters, I have a huge crush. I’ve been dropping them the most obvious hints for like a year now. No response.”

“Oh dear Ken, they’re probably just stupid; can I help you another time?” Butters answered curtly. He didn’t want to hear Kenny professing his love for yet another girl, and he was sure that his Eric was in trouble.

“But they’re not! They’re pretty smart actually, just a little dense.” Kenny replied, taking Butters’ wrist in his hand.

“ Just be more obvious. Like, I don’t know.. ‘Hey, I love you’ would probably work.”  Butters said, tugging his wrist irritably.

“I guess you’re right. Hey Butters, I love you.”

“See Kenny, just like that! Now let go, please.”

“Holy shit, seriously?” Kenny replied, gripping the other blonds’ wrist even tighter. He started laughing.

“If that flies over their head, then sorry Ken, but they’re too dumb for you. “

With one final twist, he freed himself from Kenny’s grasp and darted down the hall. Oh hamburgers! He wasted far too much time talking to Kenny. Who knew what that red-haired vixen did to Eric? He couldn’t let Kyle get to Eric, he promised. Besides, it would be back to how it was before. He would go back to being an outcast, being mocked by everybody. It hurt too much. Sitting at the table, listening; to Kenny recount the last girl he screwed,  to where Token was taking Nichole out for dinner, or to how happy Stan was in his heterosexual relationship. Only Eric understood his bi-curiosity. He was accepted. His heart was pounding as he ran, faster than he ever thought possible.

“Cartman! Listen to me!”

Cartman held his head down, not willing to. Butters told him, everything that came out of Kyle’s deceitful  lips would be untrue. To lure him back in. To break his and Butters’ bond. Childishly, he covered his ears.

 He didn’t want to hear, see or taste Kyle ever again. But that didn’t stop Cartman thinking about him. About the things he said. Deep inside, he knew; he would end up a wench. Kyle was fortunate. He had (an admittedly not always) normal mother, who wanted nothing more than to protect her little bubba, going to extreme lengths if she had to. On the other hand, his mother didn’t care for him- at all. There were no rules at his house, no guidelines on how to behave. Instead of a home-cooked meal accompanied by his family, he got a wad of money on the kitchen counter, occasionally with a note that had a half-hazard drawn heart on it. That would happen only if his mother would already be drunk before she left the house. Kyle had it so much better than he did. Fucking kike. And he dared to bring it up as well. His family was complete. A mother, two children, and... a father. A role model that Cartman would never have. Admittedly, he wasn’t grieving that he killed his very own father. He was grieving the fact, that even when his father was alive, he didn’t even think that he had another son.  Didn’t even care. Like father, like son. Cartman didn’t care either.

“ I hurt you. I realise that.” Kyle whispered, standing a few feet away.

 _Oh, so now you notice; not whilst you were firing insults like a machine gun, you fucking bastard!_ However, he stayed silent, head bowed down.

“ You don’t know how sorry I am. At the time, I thought you wanted me to. I guess I should’ve asked.”

_Hindsight’s a bitch, isn’t it, Jew?_

“Cartman, I don’t know how to say this. Our relationship is, well, fucked up.”

_Ya think?_

He took a deep breath.

_Oh fuck, he’s going to do one of his gay ass speeches._

“But no matter how many miles we put between us, we’re still on each other’s minds. Don’t even try to deny it. You followed me to the pentagon, just so I would suck your balls! So, I think you need me.”

_No, I don’t._

“And, truth is, I need you too. We hate each other, but we’re tied by a deeper bond. Sometimes, I think that my life would be better without you. I’m sure you think that too.”

_Oh, what a surprise, the Jew is right! I don’t need you._

“If I didn’t have you, my life would be miserable. As would yours, don’t try to kid yourself. Any kind of relationship we would try to have with anyone else would be toxic. Remember Heidi? My subconscious knew that you two being together was wrong, for the wrong reasons. I didn’t believe that you could be nice to any other human being. Truth is, even now, you’re cynical. We both know you didn’t have much passion for her. She let you get away with your bullshit. I don’t. All that time, I thought I liked her.”

_Bringing up the fact that you tried stealing my girlfriend- **great** tactic, you sneaky Jew._

“ But I was wrong. Back then, I thought I was jealous of you. Now, I know, I was jealous of her. Because you stopped paying attention to me; just like you are now.”

_And why do you think that is, dearest  Kahl? It couldn’t possibly be because you couldn’t get your head out of your ass-you’re too fucking stuck up to admit it._

“I know. I fucked up royally. You’re mad at me, and have every right to be. It’s just that, throughout the years, you’ve been my Nazi, and I was your Jew. Whatever one of us was doing, the other would rather kill themselves than stop trying to go against it, no matter how petty the argument.”

_..._

“ Now that you’ve stopped, I’m the one that wants to kill himself. What is my life without you? Worthless.”

_You bet, I am fucking awesome._

“Eric Theodore Cartman, in this here bathroom, I am declaring my feelings towards you. If I were a romantic, like you, I would think of something better. But because you’re an unforgiving asshole, and I feel like shit for hurting your feelings, I couldn’t sleep for the last two weeks. I’m too tired and impatient to do anything more extravagant. But you’re here, listening to me, and that’s all that matters.”

Cartman stood up, as Kyle took a tentative step forward. He lifted his head up, eyes still shut. Once he opened them and looked at Kyle, it would be game over. He wouldn’t be able to ignore the redhead anymore. And he didn’t want to. No matter how badly Kyle hurt him, he would still love him unconditionally, and vice-versa. They were tied, by AIDS, by the kidney Cartman (unwillingly) donated, by saving each other’s lives, by being opposites.

A gentle hand touched his chest, right where his heart was.

“ Tell me, that this belongs to me. That it beats for me, like mine does for you. Eric, I-“

 

And then he was brought back down to reality.

 

“Eric! Eric! Are you okay? Please, open this door! He’s lying!” A pain-stricken voice cried.

Instead of looking at Kyle, he pushed him away, running to the door and opening it. Immediately, Butters latched onto him.

“Thank God you’re here Butters.” Cartman said. “I’m tired of this. You should’ve come sooner.”

“I’m sorry Eric. Oh Eric, please tell me that you’re okay.” Butters sobbed.

A short moment later, Kenny rushed into the bathroom. Once he saw what was going on, he resigned himself to standing next to Kyle. Kyle, who was distraught, silent tears streaming down his face. It must’ve been so much worse for him, he got to taste his love before it was cruelly ripped away from him. But that didn’t mean it didn’t hurt Kenny worse than hell ever could.

“Butters,” Cartman said softly, untangling the boy from himself, “ I’m okay now.”

“ Oh thank you! I wasn’t too late, was I? Please tell me that you didn’t believe Kyle’s lies.”

“I didn’t” Cartman replied, and his voice went stone-hard. “Because they weren’t.”

“It’s your fault.” Cartman continued, voice steadily rising,“ I swear, by the moon and the stars in the sky, if you dare say one more bad word about Kyle, I will personally hang you. If you dare come between us again, I’ll kick your ass, you fucking pansy!”

It took a couple seconds to comprehend.

“I’m going back to my place to play videogames, you coming with me, Jewboy?” Cartman called, opening the door to the bathroom, not glancing back. In an instant, Kyle was by his side.

With a sigh, Butters looked up at Kenny.

“ I guess I can help you with the girl that you like, now that I’m not occupied. ”

“And what makes you think it was a girl?” Kenny replied, taking Butters’ hand in his own.

Butters, unfazed by the action, answered, “Because you’re straight, Ken, everyone knows that.”

Kenny knew that his situation was hopeless. Butters was too naive to understand his hints. He had to be bold. Delicately, he lifted Butters’ chin.

“Hey, Butters, I love you.” He asked, his earnest expression reflecting in blue pools of azure. “I told you earlier, but I didn’t get an answer.”

“Oh Ken, really, truly?” Butters whispered.

“Really, truly, my buttercup.” Kenny replied, stroking his cheek. Gingerly, he placed a mellow kiss on Butters’ feathery lips.

For Butters, it was unexpected. On the other hand, Kyle was anticipating kisses as soon as he and Cartman reached his house. Those, he would get, without a doubt.


End file.
